A 100 Day Experiment: Yoga, Meditation & Journaling - week 8

Failure

This week was a complete wash.

 I did a few hurried sun salutations on Monday, overslept on Tuesday and had house guests arrive on Wednesday. Once I missed the third day in a row I accepted that this week was done.

I could have tried harder. I could have found a way but I could see that I needed a break so I released and let go. 

Looking back at what I wrote last week, thinking that it would be the most difficult and that this week would be some sort of breakthrough, a rebounding of energy and strength, is almost funny.

I remember another time when I was working and going to college 25+ years ago. There were four of us in our department and one person quit and another went on medical leave. We two worked many hours of overtime and I still went to all my classes and finished strong that semester.

However, the next semester when work hours returned to normal I just couldn't keep up. I missed classes and showed up unprepared for exams. 

Instead of taking the semester off and dropping my classes within the required time frame I waited until it was too late and just stopped attending. Those three Fs still exist on my transcripts today.

Embarrassment and shame kept me away from school two whole decades. I finally went back five years ago attending night classes while working and now, finally, have my bachelor's degree. 

The sad part is that I loved school. I loved going to class, being around others that were interested in learning and having conversations. I loved the books, notebooks and pens. I loved studying in the library. The silent sanctuary where I could read and write uninterrupted for hours.

I denied myself all of this because I couldn't admit I needed a break.

Whenever I've read or listened to someone on the subject of forgiveness I realize that the person I most need to forgive is myself. Searching back through my life for others: family, friends, co-workers, random strangers, even my soon to be ex - I can forgive and let go. Sure, it's taken a bit of work but I truly can't find a nugget of anger or resentment towards anyone but myself.

Maybe this is the breakthrough I needed. 

Maybe being kind and compassionate towards myself is what I found this week.

Maybe I can get up and begin again without shame and recrimination.

Looking forward to what next week brings.